HAZARDOUS MATERIALS BULLETIN
Element: Man
Symbol: Prat
Discoverer: Anon.- would prefer no publicity ( ashamed)
Atomic Mass : Accepted at lOst but known to vary from 7st weakling to 20st + beached whale
Occurrences: Copious quantities of substandard specimens can be found in Pubs & Clubs.
Physical Properties:
1.Surface usually covered with dirt, hair, grease ,as well as various unidentified substances.
2.Sulks at slightest chance, alternately throws tantrums.
3.Very good at creeping on soft surfaces but known to sulk if unable to have its own way.
4.Comes in garish colours when out in public places if not kept under tight control.
5.Some parts tend to harden without warning, at this time if used carefully can last a couple of hours, but usually lasts only lOmins if you’re lucky. Tends to fall into a deep sleep after each time its used.
6.Found in various states from virginal metal to common ore but extremely hard to tell them apart .
7..Tends to have short arms and long pockets.
8. Never reads instructions until after assembling stereo/cupboard etc.
Chemical Composition:
1.Has a great affinity for mechanical objects of all kinds also very attached to various spherical shapes of different sizes.
2.Great at stretching the true sizes of things they admire
3.Saturation in alcohol can make specimen think its Superman/Don Juan but reacts like Donald Duck.
4.Absorbs great quantities of Bulls*** when placed »with other samples of the same element.
5..Great for mowing the lawn /painting /emptying the bin etc. but with time can be replaced with something more useful.
6. Can smell of strange substances when attracting a mate.
Common Uses.
1. See no.5 above
2. Can be useful for removing spiders.
3. Good as a foot warmer in winter.
Tests:
1.To get a pure specimen you need to get them young.
2.When caught in the natural state tends to look ridiculous.
Hazards:
3.Main hazard is called Mother, show interest in a specimen IT will appear.
4.Mixed with alcohol causes reactions from “completely useless” to “angry and completely useless”
5.Tends to degenerate quickly with age- hair loss- chest drops to stomach – wind – belching /farting
6.Chases young women but unable to remember what to do when they have caught them.
7.Snores, grunts farts and scratches when at rest.
Grunts, groans and scratches when in action.
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