Some real corny jokes!

[Anonymous]

;D ;D

Phone answering machine message
>
>          “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
>          shorts.
>          The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>          couldn’t find any.
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
>          he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
>          And he said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
>          strong currant.
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
>          shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
>          The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

>
> ——————————————————————-
>          I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
>          the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have
>          your kayak and heat it too.
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
>          covered with hundreds and thousands.
>          Police say that he topped himself.
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>          Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
>
> ——————————————————————-
>            “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
>            “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. “
>            “Is it common? “
>            “It’s not unusual.”
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>          “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “
>            “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”
>          So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
>          teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
>          “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
>          “No, because he’s really heavy”
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          Guy goes into the doctor’s.
>          “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
>          “How’s that?”
>          “Don’t you start.”
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>          A fsh.
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
>          people in my family, so there must be one of them. It’s could be
> my
>          mum or my dad. It could be my older brother Colin or my younger
>          brother Ho-Chi-Chung. I’m not sure, but I think it might be
> Deane…
>
> ——————————————————————-
>          So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can
>          you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s
>          your oyster, go for it.’
>
> ——————————————————————–
>          >
> ——————————————————————–
>          Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
>          acid, the other was eating fireworks.
>          They charged one and let the other one off.
>
> ——————————————————————–
>          “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
>          today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
>          It said, ‘Parking Fine.’……..So that was nice.”
>
> ——————————————————————–
>          A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in
>          several places”
>          The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more”
>
> ——————————————————————–
>          Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
>          small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
> search
>          and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
>          that number to climb as digging continues into the
> night………
>

[*Lassie*]

Love the last one ;D ;D >:D

[Anonymous]

;D ;D ;D

[SuzAndTheDiva]

brillaint i like ‘easy’ jokes – i get them  😀 well except the cricket one and i KNOW we been here before and i didnt understand it then but cant remember wha the explanation was  😀

[*Nat*]

;D  ;D  ;D

[xtine]

😀 they were good  ;D

[GSPmad]

doctor doctor i’ve only got 59 seconds to live

wait a minute please

[GSPmad]

two fish in a tank.

one said to the other ‘do you know how to drive this thing?’

[GSPmad]

my dog’s bone idle.

is he?

yesterday i was watering the garden and he wouldn’t lift a leg to help me.

[GSPmad]

[quote author=jaydex link=topic=11897.msg227564#msg227564 date=1214842470]
> ——————————————————————–
>           “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
>           today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
>           It said, ‘Parking Fine.’……..So that was nice.”
>
> ——————————————————————–
[/quote]

and that actually sounds like the sort of thing my great aunt would say.  :-X  😀

[Author]

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