Home Archive › Forums › General Category › Jokes and Poems section › Christmas With Louise
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December 17, 2008 at 4:07 pm #62773AnonymousGuest
Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those
things
at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only
confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?”
“You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane
during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. “Love Dolls” come in many
different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could
do
things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
“Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
came
to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. “What
the hell is that?” she asked.
My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.”
“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, to steer her
into
dining room.
But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on
Granny,
hang on!”
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me
and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?”
I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed
Grandpa
by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front
of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her
to perfect health.
I can’t wait until next Christmas!December 17, 2008 at 5:58 pm #114023AnonymousGuest😀 😀
December 17, 2008 at 6:00 pm #114024*Lassie*MemberBrilliant ;D ;D ;D
December 17, 2008 at 6:06 pm #114025kerrie and stanMember😀 😀 😀 😀 ;D
December 17, 2008 at 9:24 pm #114026SuzAndTheDivaMemberI giggled the whole way through that – dont ask me why just struck me as rather funny 😀 😀
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